January 2012
63 posts
dentist appointment in t-minus ninety minutes. my heart will fall out if i’m not careful. i need to be baked. and sedated. bring on the ganj and pharmaceuticals, here we go.
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i will make sure that this hurts as long as i live. and even longer after that, i will make sure that it hurts forever. you couldn’t stay and that’s the way of it, but as long as it hurts i will never have to be alone. as long as it hurts i will have something to hold on to. the other side of my bed isn’t empty; it’s filled with hurt. warm and sweet, hurt is the shadow of...
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“how do you feel?”
i look at the floor. search the cracked linoleum for an answer. (there are none.)
how do you feel?
“most of the time…i don’t.”
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it was after you’d gone that my eyes changed color, from blue to green. something in me seemed to physically starve without you and i’m almost afraid to see you after all this time. countless months i spent establishing a new equilibrium designed to accomodate your absence; now the sight of your face ought to throw my spinal fluid into disarray. you are a shock to my system; for you i...
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all human hearts get in the way and all human brains categorize them according to what it is they get in the way of.
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once upon a time, someone had an awful, terrible, horrible idea. they took a bunch of “i want to dive under a rock and never come out” moments and stitched them together haphazardly, resulting in what is now my life.
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ignorance is inherent. it doesn’t matter that it isn’t my fault. the fact that it is at all is enough to make it my responsibility. a thing doesn’t go away because you never asked for it, it doesn’t vanish because you would never have chosen it to be this way. good intentions are not half the battle, nor a quarter of the battle, nor an eighth. good intentions are not even a...
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fame is a nightmare i hope never to stumble into. i feel weird about it when a lot of people seem to think i’m something special. i mean, i’m just one person, really no different from you or anybody else. i haven’t done anything to warrant special treatment. it makes me feel like a fake, like a fraud, like a loser, like i’m getting things i don’t deserve. i...
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when i really like someone i tend to disappear. i am the strangest person.
Anonymous asked: you are beautiful.
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are we just going to sit here no matter how ridiculous it gets? are we just going to let these things happen? every time they cross the line, we just ignore it and draw another.. only for it to be crossed again. i know only this: when they come for me, i will spit in their faces and tell them to get the fuck off my property.
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stack up the things you look at versus the things you see. your night will be sleepless as you debate the significance of the disparity. try to find a resolution before the sun comes up. that way you’ll feel better about the precarious balance of the universe. you will feel prepared to start your day.
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images on screens flicker and cause something in my head to shift. the scenery and people disappear and their conversations are extinguished. and they are replaced by people wearing clothes that don’t belong to them, people having conversations that don’t belong to them, people whose every word they had to force into their head over and over until it stayed there, people who are trying...
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i am terrible at talking to people. sometimes i get overwhelmed because it’s a good conversation and it’s hard to organize my thoughts so that i can say all the things i want to say in a way that’s coherent. or i just think i won’t be able to enjoy interacting with this person as much as they deserve at this time so it would be better to talk at a time when i can properly...
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i hate to think of how i’ve disappeared from your thoughts.
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i wonder sometimes, whether people really do know what it means to feel nothing. to have dampened emotions and to lack the ability to be bothered by it, to wonder idly what might be wrong with you but not care to know.
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i would say it is vaguely similar to what apathy feels like. just a little sadder and maybe a tiny bit hopeless.
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i have a permanent case of amphetamine eyes
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i have just created a ‘lol’ folder, kind of like my ‘ideas’ folder, except instead of making me inspired it makes me giggle. i’m excited about it but i think for my own safety i am going to add a picture that says ‘warning, do not view the contents of this folder while standing up, especially near stairs or other hazardous things.’
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if there’s one thing i learn every day, it’s that the truth is you’re more like other people than you thought. so much more. it’s actually a good thing, when you think about it; there’s a common thread that connects us all, and it runs deeper than you might think. okay, it might be frayed. but the thing is, it exists.
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everything she is, is sustenance for my starving mind.
and yet she is no one in particular.
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they just wanna take you and make you like them, they like you better the more you’re like them. you would think it’s cos they love themselves. but they don’t. it’s just that misery loves company - they want everyone else to hate themselves too. it’s upsetting for them to see someone who knows what they are and even likes what they are. so they use job interviews and...
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in a dream i dragged my body across the forest floor to get to you. crawled like a worm through the dirt and the rocks and the insects until i found you.
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“there is no car crash. there is no blood. i don’t believe this. but maybe i should.”
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i can hear jet engines through the walls. planes passing overhead. even as a child i was fascinated. there were people up there. people in the air in between one place and another, where they had been and where they planned to go. how could you have a bad day where things go wrong if you’re way up there? it seems like a valid question if all your problems were born on solid ground. you just...
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to fall from a great height would be beautiful. the haunting beauty of “don’t look down” but of course you do anyway. the view is nauseatingly lovely, so wonderful it sickens. a rush, a great cardiac leap and then let gravity run its course. watching the ground grow closer and closer. right up until you find yourself staring individual grains of sand in the face. go head-first, i...
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i spent my morning in a cocoon made of blankets dreaming that the trees behind my house had their roots above the ground as if the earth itself had mired them. knee-deep inside their captor i watched the legs of the trees kick outward and upward in a desperate bid for freedom. because the trees have wills, even in waking life, and if you tilt your head and squint just right, you can see how...
jeffrey dahmer house party. yuyeeeeah